When I saw my daughter Emily standing at the front of the tiny chapel in her wedding dress, time stopped. All the complications and conflicting emotions were nothing beside this iconic image: the slim, vulnerable figure in white, a spiderweb thin shawl over her bare shoulders, sunlight from the open door striking her shy and shining face. She thought she was alone, pacing a little, waiting for the next part of her life.
At college graduation time I first imagined my daughter's marriage. I met the parents of her boyfriend of the last couple of years and liked them very much. I thought, I could really enjoy these in-laws! Of course, the relationship didn't last.
My daughters are twins, always closer to each other than to anyone else. Alison lived with a woman for two years after Bryn Mawr, was very active in the LGBT community, then after the breakup, only dated men. I enjoyed meeting the girls' loves, but I learned not to count on anything. They were finding their way.
Their model of marriage was none too strong: their father and I had married at nineteen, lived through the experimental 60's era, and finally divorced when they were eight. He had remarried, re-divorced and finally was alone. I have remarried but have never lived full time in the same city as my husband.
It's a time of marriage transition and re-evaluation, for sure. Since procreation is not its only purpose and women are no longer property or dependent on men, a huge shift has occurred. All the preconceptions are out the window: sexuality is a continuum and the freedoms my generation pioneered but hardly knew how to experience are real for my daughters. They have found their way back to commitment based on love and mutual respect as human beings.
When Emily decided to try Match.com, she registered as seeking both men and women. The person who matched was Colleen, and this is who waited to make formal the bond they had made long ago.
They live in Massachusetts, so their marriage is legal, but many federal benefits are denied them. They are limited in where they can live. And, many Americans hate them without knowing them and think that their innocent and private life together somehow threatens the "institution of marriage."
The ceremony was held outside on that lovely spring day, as it was chilly inside the chapel. The girls were barefoot in the new grass, a mountain stream tumbled over rocks in the background. Friends of theirs, a female couple, officiated. Colleen read "Will You be My Personal Penguin?" Emily read her own vows with only a little shake in her voice. Alison welcomed her new sister and promised she wasn't jealous. I read this to them:
Dearest girls:
May your walk together be
serene as the waters at dawn
sweet as the first bird piping
long as the whole fresh day
strong as the sun at noon
deep as the quiet beneath the noise
of life going about its business
and you being lively and crazy and fussy and busy.
May you walk at your own speed
and sometimes run
and sometimes dance for joy.
We danced in a circle, even their father, who never dances. He said later that this was the most honest wedding ceremony he had ever seen. This is a union of pure love, in every way blessed.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
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